the uninvited editor

okay, so one thing that is sometimes not so bad about being petite is that i can occasionally buy kids’ clothes, which tend to come at a discount. for example, i bought a kid’s sweater at marshall’s the other day for $16.99, while i think a grown-up sweater would probably set me back at least $18.99. so those two dollars can make me think about how lucky i am to still have the bust of a 10-12-year-old. that is, a 10-12-year-old wearing a tight, form-fitting sweater!

all right, you probably have the wrong idea of me now. the sweater is totally not tight. neither is it pink, nor sparkly, nor does it have writing on it of any kind. it doesn’t even have a hood. it is a rather refined sweater for the rather refined 10-12-year-old. in fact, the only tip-off is the label, which reads: Organically Grown Kids.

isn’t that cute! who wouldn’t want their kid to be swathed in Organically Grown clothing? how healthy! how earthy! how non-fire-retardant! okay, let’s see what we’ve got here:

30% rayon
20% nylon
20% cotton
20% lambswool
10% angora rabbit hair

MADE IN CHINA

all righty, so your precious fifth grader may have only the most organic of materials to wrap around her bony little frame, but it comes at the expense of angora bunny rabbits and like, kids in china. and also, is there any such thing as organic NYLON?

[over]

HAND WASH COLD
DO NOT TWIST OR WRING
RESHAPE AND DRY FLAT
OR DRY CLEAN

oh hahahaha. that’s funny. a kid’s sweater made of chinese rabbits that you have to dry clean. clearly, we have lost sight of the purpose of kids. which is that they can be dressed in small, cheap, machine-washable clothes, and still look cute. am i right? am i right? am i on the blacklist? am i going to have my tubes forcibly tied? sigh. i pity my as-yet-unconceivable children. [hee. that was a typo, but it’s actually more fitting than what i intended to write.]

moral of the story: this is what happens when they tell you that writing something is better than writing nothing. okay, no one told me that. they know better.